Why Modern Life Feels Overwhelming Despite Unprecedented Safety

Your latest book is titled Too Much of Everything and Too Little of What Matters. Beyond material things, what do we have too much of?

Michael Lehofer: I'm talking about the overindulgence of our society. We have a welfare state, which is good and ethically valuable. But the downside is that we systematically reduce personal responsibility. This lack of responsibility usually leads to self-diminishment. Many people feel they live in an especially threatened time. Yet compared to other eras, our age is relatively safe. In the past, there was no social security, no modern medicine. The constant mantra of problems puts us in a kind of problem trance.

Where does this subjective sense of threat come from?

Michael Lehofer: Primarily, it stems from the fact that we constantly focus on problems rather than solutions. It's the result of an overindulged society where personal responsibility no longer plays a role—people believe there's some higher authority that should fix everything. This attitude even extends to relationships, where people feel they aren't getting what they deserve, instead of asking what they themselves can give.

Is this a logical consequence of prosperity?

Michael Lehofer: Overindulgence is one of two forms of neglect. The first is when you don't pay attention to someone—for example, having a child but showing no interest in how they're doing at school. The second is giving the child not what they truly need but pacifying them with superficial comforts that never truly satisfy. The substitute never brings fulfillment. As adults, we chase power and money as substitutes for what we really crave.

And what is that?

Michael Lehofer: In most cases, it's a substitute for a lack of love—and that means connection. We have a few fundamental needs, the two most important being attachment and self-efficacy. Money, for instance, promises opportunities for self-efficacy, and with it, you might even "buy" connections. But that's no real substitute for loving encounters.

But what's the root of this? Why do we struggle with these basic needs?

Michael Lehofer: Basic needs develop from a positive primary relationship—like a loving, responsive bond with a mother or father. If you don't experience that resonance adequately, you'll spend your whole life searching for it. And if your parents, for example, gave you material things instead of love, you'll spend your life chasing those material things—not love—because you don't even know what you're missing.

Is this lovelessness increasing?

Michael Lehofer: It's hard to say. What's clear is that the long postwar economic boom led to a culture of overindulgence. Unfortunately, that's made us less resilient in crises. We're no longer capable of making sacrifices to build something meaningful.

Can you give an example?

Michael Lehofer: Recently, in a private conversation, people were discussing how hard it is for young people today to afford their own home. Then someone said that wasn't true—back in the day, when people built a house, they went without vacations for ten years, adding a little each year with help from friends. Today, it seems we assume we should be able to afford everything without giving anything up. From that perspective, it's not harder now than it was before.

You encourage people to see many things differently—longing, for instance.

Michael Lehofer: In my work with addiction, I've noticed something: When we pursue a problem-solving strategy and it doesn't work, we tend to think we just need more of it to succeed. We rarely consider that the strategy itself might be wrong. Sometimes, we need to try the opposite. For example, we see longing as something painful, but there's no greater closeness than the ache of longing. We also struggle with waiting, yet waiting is a private space we should embrace. Or we think everything needs a purpose, but purposelessness is the mother of creativity. Often, the solution lies 180 degrees from where we expect it.

You also address how children and adults experience time differently.

Michael Lehofer: The reason time seems to pass so quickly for adults is that they have fixed ideas about the world and believe they already know how everything works. Children don't— they're open and curious about everything new. You see it especially in older people, who try to impose their life philosophy on others, even though it barely worked for them in the first place.

So what's the way out?

Michael Lehofer: If you're in a relationship, for example, you should ask yourself in the morning: Who is actually lying next to me? Don't assume you know everything. It starts with yourself—you can even surprise yourself. The world can be full of surprises. There's an infinite depth of perception we avoid because we get lost in our own preconceptions.

You also address how the pursuit of the "right" life keeps us from what truly matters. Self-optimization is a major topic these days.

Michael Lehofer: Self-optimization is really just an attempt at self-realization—but a botched one, because it implies you're currently inadequate. That's why self-optimizers are constantly devaluing themselves. Instead of trying to optimize yourself, you should simply live optimally. That means giving your best—and knowing that's enough.

You say life is all about growth.

Michael Lehofer: Yes, growth means expanding into your own potential, even if you don't yet know its full extent. That's how you truly transcend yourself. Our goal shouldn't be ticking off checklists of what we think we should or shouldn't be. There's a beautiful metaphor for love: to look at someone. Self-love means looking at yourself—but it's so much more than just self-care.